The Grand High Depp Society
by Leah Emilio-Depp
Summary: I love Johnny Depp so much, i decided to make almost all his characters meet. The only reason i decided this wasn't going to be a crossover was because i was too lazy... and jack's the mainESt character
1. The Reign of Jack

Once again, I wrote this for no one but myself, because, deep down… I'M REALLY messed up… … …

"I, Captain Jack Sparrow, being of completely sound mind…" he laughed at that part "do hereby call this meeting of sexiness to order!!" he banged the gaffle down upon the table as the rest of the clan members clapped their hands.

J.M Barrie raised his hand.

"Jack, you said we'd be discussing my new book… now, it's about this boy who…"

Jack stuck out his palm, and Sir Barrie silenced.

"Um, about that…" he began. Jack was interrupted by a man in the back looking around his shoulder and trembling.

"Um… Captain, I-I shouldn't be here… there, eh…um, is this man following me on his horse and-"

Jack stood up and slammed his fists on the table in an effort to appear menacing.

"Constable Ichabod: will you sit down!?!" he yelled.

"I am sitting down…" said Ichabod Crane.

Jack was literally taken aback as he examined Ichabod more closely.

"Ah… so you are."

Two men, one with brown hair and one with long, blonde hair stood up against a wall, arms crossed, looking very agitated. The brunette man stepped forward.

"Jack- I know you wanted to take Legolas and I to this meeting but- we don't know anybody! And that INSANE chocolatier keeps on looking at us!"

Willy Wonka stood up, taking off his gloves.

"What'd you say, beeyotch?" Willy Wonka slapped Will with his purple glove.

"OW!! SEE!? SEE!? HE JUST SLAPPED ME!!"

Jack stood up.

"And with good reason: SHUT UP!!"

Edward Scissorhands, who had been quiet this entire time, mustered all the courage he could to stand up and face Jack.

"I don't like it when we yell." Eddie said softly, his huge, dark eyes staring at Jack with all the sadness in the world.

Jack, however, had become slightly enraged and lashed out at the small, child-like man.

"Oh, Eddie, do why the hell would care?" Jack automatically cupped his hand over his mouth as everyone in the room gasped.

"No-no-no-no-no-no , Eddie- I didn't mean it- I-I-"

Edward's eyes grew larger and larger and his lip quivered until he finally let all his sorrow out in a stream of tears.

Everyone gathered around the crying Edward, trying to clam him down. Don Juan DeMarco gave Jack an evil glare.

"How do you hurt the feelings of ANY man who is this cute and sexy at the same time!! YOU MONSTER!!"

Edward continued to cry, and Jack stood there, looking like an ass.

"Eddie- I really didn't mean-"

Ed Wood shoved him.

"SAVE IT FOR SOMEONE WHO CARES!!!" Legolas shook his head.

"And to think I could've thought of thinking to begin to start trusting you…" Legolas said, bending down to give poor Eddie a hug.

Tears continued to stream down in huge drops from his eyes as Edward choked every couple of seconds. Jack couldn't help but run over to the little guy, and hold him in a strong embrace.

"There, there: I'll make it all better: maybe we can go get-" Jack never finished his sentence for he had been impaled by a pair of huge scissors sticking out of his back. Jack's eyes rolled back into his skull as he lay on the ground, dead.

Edward kneeled there, glaring at the corpse of the once greatest pirate in the world, his bloodied hands by his side.

"You bastard…"


	2. The Reign of Will

AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Yes, do to popular demand I SHALL be adding these following CHARACTERS to the plot: GILBERT GRAPE, RAOUL DUKE, agent SANDS and MORT RAINEY. **

Will Turner slammed the gaffle down upon the conference table.

"I call this meeting of sexiness to order. Oops, sorry, I didn't mean to make it so loud."

"It's alright, Will!" exclaimed Ed Wood.

"Yes, you're much better than our LAST president." Said Edward Scissorhands, glaring at the heavily bandaged Jack Sparrow. Jack stood up and pounded his fists on the table.

"YOU WANNA' MESS, SCISSORHANDS!? HUH!?" Edward stared at the pirate.

"Well, he IS nicer to us...and cleaner." Jack sprung across the table, as several other members restrained at the chest. Jack flailed his arms toward Edward, screaming:

"HE'S ASKIN' FOR IT!!! OH, I'M GONNA-" Will thrust the gaffle down, sending an ear-deafening sound through the air.

"JACK SPARROW: THAT IS QUITE ENOUGH!!" Jack remained standing, hyperventilating madly. He thrust a finger toward poor Eddie.

"HE STARTED IT!!"

"Will you just leave that adorable man alone!?" Edward smiled sweetly cocking his head to one side.

"HE NEARLY KILLED ME!!" yelled Jack.

"THAT DOESN'T MATTER!!" said Will as Jack gave him an oh-my-freakin-god-are-you-kiddin-me? look.

"We have new members joining us today and I do not want you to screw this up! Now, their waiting in the lobby, I don't want to return with ANYONE being hurt, got it?" Everyone nodded.

Captain Jack Sparrow folded his arms, examining each member shortly. None of them looked too threatening: he could take them all, except for that clay dude… Victor or something... that dude had the BIGGEST eyes. Jack shuddered.

William returned into the room.

"Okay… we have a total of four new members and their all… let's just say different…"

"Our group consists of a scissorhanded robot/man, an awful film maker, a claymation dude, the writer of Peter Pan, a perpetually drunk pirate, a deranged candy maker and the world's greatest lover …" said Ichabod Crane, "we're kinda' USED to different."

"Good point, well, anyway: Jack I am warning you, if you make fun of this man's name I'm going to kill you."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever…" Jack said.

"I want you all to give an extremely sexy welcome to: Gilbert Grape!" a young man stepped into the room, waving modestly as the other members clapped. However, within a few seconds, another sound overpowered the sound of the clapping hands: laughter.

Jack was pounding his on the table, crying, saying- between chocked laughs:

"GIBLERT!!! GRAPE!!!! THAT'S THE MOST HILARIOUS NAME I'VE **EVER **HEARD IN MY LIFE!!!" Gilbert glared at the pirate, clenched his fists and left the conference room. Many followed Gilbert in an attempt to make him reconsider that, "Jack was just an idiot!", but to no avail.

Oprah Noodlemantra glared at Jack, too.

"I thought MY name made you laugh Jack, apparently not…" Oprah left the room.

"NO, wait, Oprah!! Don't go!!" (only Johnny fans know who he is since this role is just breezed over)

EVERYBODY was glaring at Jack now, clenching their fists.

"Good going, Jack!" said Willy Wonka.

"We lost Gator Lerner this way, too!!"

"Oh, come on, what mother names their child GATOR!?" Jack said, in his defense. All the others sat down, giving Jack a most menacing glance, waiting for the next member, hopefully not scared away by Jack's outburst.

"JACK: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU MESS THIS ONE UP!!" yelled Will, closing the door to make sure no one heard that and then reopening it.

"Hello, you must be Sands, Sands works at the CI-" Will stopped mid-sentence, as a man with semi-long, curvy hair in dark glasses walked into the room, staring blankly into the faces of the clansmen. He then proceeded to walk directly into a wall.

"AHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAGHA!!!!" laughed you-know-who.

Jack was rolling on the floor, but ceased his amusement when three consecutive gunshots rang throughout the room.

"WHO WAS THE _HIJO_ _DE_ _PUTA (son of a bitch)_ THAT SAID THAT!?!?" yelled the man, his glasses back on and a gun in each hand.

Don Juan DeMarco stood up.

"¡Bienvenidos, Mi hermano latinoamericano! (Welcome, my latin American brother)" he sprung up and gave the man a big hug.

The man pushed Juan away,

"Lo siento (Sorry), I only know how to speak Spanish…I am not a Spaniard myself…" he said, putting away the guns.

"But seriously, who the hell said that?" Jack stood up, resuming his laughing,

"Oh, come one, it was pretty funny that you bumped into that wall!" he said, laughing.

"IM BLIND, YOU BASTARD!!!!!" Jack sat down.

"Oh…" Don Juan DeMarco led Sands to his seat, next to himself.

"Perdona al capitán, es un tonto…" (Forgive Captain Jack, he's a fool)

"Yo sé…(I can see that)" said Sands, sitting down.

"Is he talking trash about me!?" said Jack to Juan. Don Juan ignored him and looked back at Will, who was trying to calm down everyone else to introduce the next arrivals: two men named Mort and Raoul.

"Now, everyone, settle down: I want to introduce our last two clansmen, Mort and-" a man with male-pattern baldness ran straight into Will and held him by the head.

"WHAT THE HELL IS ON YOUR HEAD, MAN!?!?!?!" Raoul said, tearing at the hair on Will's head.

Jack stood up, a look of importance and awakening lay on his face.

Sensing it, Raoul looked into the eyes of Jack, and they both were moved to tears.

"My intoxicated sibling!!"

"My inebriated brother!!" They held each other in a very touching man-hug. Jack pulled him apart and looked him straight in the eye, a look of excitement now on his visage.

"Liquor of choice?"

"Rum has been an all-time favorite of mine: I'm never without it!" Jack embraced him even tighter.

"I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU!!!!!!" the clansmen each gave a respective "awwwwww" as the two held each other. Will protested slightly.

"Jack, I know you've just found your bosom friend but we still have one more member to admit."

Raoul and Jack sat down as a blonde man with glasses in a bathrobe walked through the door, staring at each one of the members. Each affiliate said "Hello, Mort." to him simultaneously.

"Why is there a clay man that sounds like me?" said Mort to Will. Victor put his head into his hands as Ed Wood patted him on the back.

"And I told you, Will, there was another member joining…" the innocent-looking man in front of them soon took upon a hostile tone.

"But, when I saw the sign-up sheet there was only one name on it: Mort Rainey." He protested. Al of a sudden, the now Dark Mort thrust his hand onto Will's neck and rose him up a foot in the air. Clansmen sprung up, and Sand's pointed a gun into the general direction.

"How'd you know I was choking him if you're blind?" asked Dark Mort.

"The same reason why you got a screwdriver from no where." Dark mort looked back at his hands. There WAS a screwdriver, but it wasn't in his hand: it was in Will's head. Mort let Will's limp body drop to the ground.

"Ugh! I didn't put that there!" protested Dark Mort.

"Oh, didn't you?" protested J.M. Barrie.

"Now you know a story's effed up when the crazy people think their going crazy."

"That makes no sense!" yelled Dark Mort.

"Neither does this!" yelled Willy Wonka. With one wave of his candy-staff, the universe imploded. Sands' got out three words before the world imploded:

"Oh, fuck-mook…"

AUTHOR'S NOTE: if you didn't get that last line, you didn't watch Once Upon a Time in Mexico… or you weren't paying attention.


	3. The Last Reigning Man

AUTHOR'S NOTE: la la la la la la la… Johnny Depp is sexy… and, I swear, the ONLY songs I listened to while writing this was Bohemian Rhapsody and Stairway to Heaven… two confusing songs that I don't really KNOW what they're about… well, anyway… ENJOY!! And REVIEW!!!!

Willy Wonka, Sands, and Don Juan DeMarco pulled Will Turner aside before after the meeting ended, facing him with very serious visages.

"What's up, guys?" Will asked. Willy Wonka nudged Sands, who stepped forward and cleared his throat.

"Look, Will: even though you're currently the president of our club, well… you're just not LIKE everyone else…"

"What do you mean?"

Don Juan DeMarco stepped up, scratching the back of his head.

"Will… you just don't… LOOK like us…" he said. Willy Wonka looked down.

"Oh… oh, I get it… yeah, whatever…I'll just leave, I guess…" Sands looked down too.

"Sorry, Will…"

"No-no… it's okay…I guess, I really don't look like you guys, really… I-I don't belong…"

Will was about to leave, until he turned around and faced the three. "Who's going to be the new president?" They told him.

"Oh… have you told… well, you know?" They shook their heads.

"Oh… Jack's not going to like this…" Will said, walking out the door…

THE GRAND HIGH DEPP SOCIETY

Jack Sparrow waltzed in, ten minutes late for the meeting.

"Thanks for joining us, JACK." said Mort Rainey, eyeing him.

"Oh, lay off, crazy." Said Jack, sitting into his seat. Edward Scissorhands stood up, in protest.

"Jack- you're being insensitive to Mort's mental condition!!" Mort whispered to himself.

"And, for you're information, JACK- I'm taking medications for it." Jack rolled his eyes, putting his feet on the conference desk.

"Jack, I'd appreciate it if you DIDN'T put your dirty boots on the table." Said Edward, in a quiet, yet firm, tone.

"What's your problem, Eddie? Who got fired and made you President?" Jack smiled.

"Will did." JM Barrie laughed.

"Oh, this is going to be goooood…" he said, smiling. Jack looked around.

"You guys made HIM president!?" he said, looking around. "Ichabod? Victor…?" he looked to his best friend in the WHOLE world, the only person he trusted.

"Raoul?" Raoul looked down before his body had a brief, but prominent muscle spasm.

"You know I hate him! And you KNOW that outfit he wears is soooooooo gay!"

"OH, LOOK WHO'S TALKING, MR. MASCARA!!" JM Barrie retorted. Ed Wood stood up and said:

"Oh, come on, YOU'RE the gay one!! 'Come play with me in my "fantasy land", little boys!!' Let's find Neverland!!"

JM Barrie glared at him. Willy Wonka glared at Ed.

"YOU WEAR WOMEN'S FRICKIN' CLOTHING!!!" yelled Willy.

"YOU INVITE LITTLE CHILDREN TO YOUR 'CANDY FACTORY'!!!"

"WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!?!?!?!?!?!" screamed Edward Scissorhands every member, quarrelling or otherwise, looked up at him.

"Why are we fighting each other? We all know that we're straight!! We shouldn't waste our breath pissing each other off!!"

"We should waste our breath pissing Jack off!" yelled Victor. Everyone cheered.

"If you guys HATE me, why don't you just kick me out!?" Jack said, folding his arms. Raoul gave him a man-hug.

"I don't hate you, Jack! You're the awesomest person I've ever met! Remember yesterday when I- Raoul twitches- passed out because I got high? And then you passed out too so I wouldn't feel bad? That was so cool of you!" Jack gave a weak smile.

"Thanks, Raoul." He said. Edward came around the desk and looked Jack in the eyes.

"I think I speak for all of us when I say, Jack, that we DON'T hate you: we just pick on you… you're like the village drunk… just because we make fun of you doesn't mean we still don't love you…!!!" there was an awkward silence, and Jack stared at Edward, as if suspecting something to happen.

Edward sighed, and hugged Jack, rolling his and motioning for the rest to come over.

"Are you kidding me, I'm not touching that thing! I don't know where it's been!" said Mort.

"WHY, YOU LITTLE-"

At first, Jack turned around ready to tear his face off, until Edward started top tap his foot.

"I mean, that means you respect me, right?"

"Sure!" said Mort. Jack smiled, and faced Edward.

"Come on, everybody, let's go get pizza!" said Edward. All the men cheered as they piled out of the conference room, cramming themselves into one elevator.

Unfortunately, after Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, Don Juan DeMarco, Raoul Duke, Ichabod Crane, Sands, JM Barrie, Willy Wonka, Victor, Mort Rainey, and Jack Sparrow all got on the elevator, and we're head down to the first floor from the seventieth, they didn't see the "1649 lbs. limit" until Sands pointed it out, after reading it in Braille.

"How much do each of you guys weigh?" he asked. They all answered, at the same time:

"150 pounds, why?"

"OH, SHIT!!" yelled Sands, as something above them snapped and the eleven men got sucked up toward the tops as the elevator fell down the shaft at breakneck speeds.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

It was Sands incredibly quick thinking that made them even more dead than they already were: he tried to hit the emergency stop button, only to hit the "open door" button.

"GOOD GOING, SANDS!!!" someone yelled.

"WELL, AT LEAST THE BLIND MAN TRIED!!!!" yelled Sands. Jack Sparrow, who was closest to the door, unsheathed his word and stuck it outward, driving a wedge between the floor and the ceiling of the elevator. But that didn't last long, as the sword snapped in two about twenty seconds later.

Thankfully, at that point, they were wedged between the third floor, so only a FEW people broke something when the elevator hit the ground.

"Does the writer have NOTHING to write about besides putting us in mortal danger?!" yelled Jack, flinging his arms around, enraged. Don Juan DeMarco, getting up from the wreckage.

"Apparently not…" he said, breaking his leg trying to get up. JM Barrie was being carried away on a stretcher.

"Hey, cut her some slack, writing the ends to comedies are HARD…"

Jack looked at Edward Scissorhands.

"What happens now?" he asked.

"This." The Universe imploded.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: REVIEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! Durn't!!!!!!!


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